A photo-less blog post.

Mothers are powerhouses. We love our children unconditionally. We bare the weight of so many other things in life such as the household, appointments, family get-togethers…not to mention the moms with kids in school and extracurricular activities. We want the very best for our children. But there are some days that just feel impossible.

I’d always planned on being that supermom. The one who wakes up early before everyone to clean, workout, make a nice healthy breakfast. Make and do activities every day with my son. I told my husband I refused to let our son see us on our phones, because I didn’t want him seeing that kind of disconnection or to ever think that it is normal. My husband and I both grew up in the 90s and we love and miss it. I’d give anything to go back to a world before the internet and smartphones took over (I know, redundant that I have an online blog). People have become obsessed and so disconnected from the real world, and we never want him to be that way.

People always told me that the newborn stage was the hardest. The sleepless nights, hormone changes, routine changes. I must have just been lucky because I had the very best experience in the newborn stage. My son has never had a problem with a sleep schedule. He ate very well, never had stomach issues, never even spat up. He was a happy baby that rarely cried. He’s our first, and at the moment, only child. So, our house had always been quiet and easy to have control of. I do think that helped a lot in his calm demeanor.

His first and second year were a breeze. I was able to stay ahead of things, keep the house clean, give him great care, I never had a mental or emotional break-down. He is now 2.5 years old. He’s the light of my life. He loves to be outside, to play, to be a part of things. His speech is crystal clear. He helps me without being asked. He knows to throw trash away, put his dirty clothes in the hamper, and take his shoes off when we come inside. He likes to give the dog her treats. His smile is my favorite thing in the whole world. I love him more than what I ever knew love to be.

Because of that, I feel like I’ve forgotten myself. Not being dramatic, sometimes I will sit here and wonder what things I used to like to do. If someone were to ask me right now what I do for fun, I would probably talk about what I USED to like doing. Hiking, art, photography, helping animals, reading, drawing, kayaking, sitting outside and watching the stars and airplanes, playing sports. I used to journal every day and now I can’t convince myself to sit down and write that much, if at all. I genuinely don’t know when the last time I consistently did something for myself. I mean, I get my hair and nails done from time to time, but that’s all. And even then, I feel like I have to rush to get back home and pick him up. My husband and I have had one night to ourselves since our soon was born almost 3 years ago. No one ever prepares you for the reality of saying goodbye to your old self and life before having kids.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything. I’ve wanted this for years and years. I knew things would change, but I’m forgetting who I actually am. I feel like the girl/woman I used to be is a faint memory so far away. And when I want to take a small bit of time out of the day for myself, I feel guilty. Because I don’t want my son to watch me pay that much attention to something else instead of him or our home. I feel like if I have the time to play a video game (which is another thing I used to love doing), I have time to find something else to clean or sit down on the floor for the 5th time to play with my son. I shouldn’t be taking the time to start working a jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table or starting a new painting. I feel like I’m not supposed to have time for myself, but that’s also getting to me.

Now is the time that is conflicting me the most. The time where my attention is demanded SO much more. I don’t want to tell my son he can’t go outside and play on a beautiful day because I had planned on cleaning out the fridge. I don’t want to see his happiness fade and sadness take over his face because I said, “not right now” or “I need to do this first.” And I most certainly don’t want him to see my sit down on the couch and stare at a screen instead of spending time with him or taking care of things that need taken care of. I used to always wait until his nap time to do something for myself. But even that is starting to get taken over either by trying to catch up on things, or I’m so tired that I fall asleep with him.

So now, I stay up late. Most of the time, too late. I drink coffee in the evening just so I can stay awake for some peace and quiet, and to do things I want to do for myself or that is too difficult to do when my son is awake. Right now for instance, it’s 11:30pm. My husband and son are asleep in the bed while I’m here making a blog post that has been on my mind for a while now. After this, I have a whole office to clean because I only got to work on it 20 minutes today after I woke up (from accidentally falling asleep with him) before my son awoke from his nap. And trust me when I say that room is a disaster. Then it was time for dinner, he wanted to keep playing out a ‘Lion King’ scene, we had several people stop by related to the property we bought and the houses we’ve been tearing down and removing. Then he wanted to play outside, got filthy, gave him a bath, spent some family time together, and now they’re asleep while I’ll probably make myself stay up for another 3 hours to get things done.

Oh, and to top it off, I started a new business of my own to try to contribute to our income while I’m taking time off from being a nurse (lol). Remember when I said our office is a disaster? Well guess where my business is being operated from. I stay so busy with it that it truly hurts me to see my son playing by himself when I could be sitting there playing with him. I know it’s normal to love your children so much and want to offer every bit of happiness possible to them, but how do we manage everything else? How do we look at our sweet child’s face(s) and tell them that we are too busy to play with him? They’re so young, and they’re only this little once. Their entire being is shaped around the world we provide for them. The guilt eats away at me. Should I keep trying to work and be successful? Should I drop everything and devote every waking (and let’s be real, even sleeping) moment to my son and our home? The latter honestly does sound so much more rewarding to me. But I’m also afraid of being a failure and not trying to take just a little bit of time out of my day to provide more for him and our future.

He will be starting school before I know it. Next year will likely be his last full year at home. So I know things will be different. I’ll have so much more time to get things done. But I’ll also have a quieter house. I won’t hear “mama” every 10 seconds. I won’t be helping him use his potty or taking him outside in the middle of the day. I won’t be playing out the scene from ‘The Lion King’ where Scar says, “long live the king”. I won’t hear his basket full of trucks, cars, bulldozers, and any other equipment you can think of being dumped into the floor before he sits down and starts pushing them back and forth. I won’t hear him stomping through the house and growling like he’s a T-Rex. I won’t hear him asking for me to chase him while I’m making lunch for us.

And these are the things that have me sitting here in tears. I hope that all he remembers are the good times and us playing together. I want him to remember when he glued macaroni noodles in the shape of his initial and painted them, and when we go outside and I teach him how to play t-ball. I want him to remember the beautiful blue skies, bright clouds, and vivid green grass at noon when we’re outside playing. I want him to remember the books we read together, the hugs and cuddles, the wrestling, the towers we build, the songs we sing. I hope he never thinks about me being stressed or trying to do other things. I hope he never thinks about how overstimulated I get sometimes and beg for just 2 minutes of quiet while I drink my coffee in the mornings. I try to make it up to myself by staying up late to read my book or work on the business. It’s wearing on me. There are only so many hours of sleep you can give up before it starts making things worse. But I don’t think I could ever sacrifice my son’s happiness for a short period of neutrality.

So, to my other moms out there, how do you deal with mom guilt? Do you have a healthy way of doing things you used to love doing, or are you like me and only do the bare minimum for yourself? Do you have a village to help you or are you struggling to stay afloat? Let’s make this a safe place for everyone to share their experiences and give insights from your own.